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. He didn t really say.It sort of got lost in the shuffle of our breaking up. Jackson! Her mother put down the muffin. Why didn tyou call me? Oh dear, I put my foot in it, didn t I? When did thishappen? I was wondering how to bring it up, so I m glad you asked.We broke up before Christmas.I had made up my mind and hewas also trying to tell me he met someone else.It was mostlyagreeable. Her mother s hazel eyes darkened, as though the sun hadgone behind clouds. I m so sorry.You gave up so much. Jackie gave her mother a wry look. Well, if you promise notto let it go to your head, I ll tell you that you were right abouthim, and moving and going to L&B to work. 94 Her mother s steady gaze was tinged with sadness. I didn twant to be right, you know. I know.But really, I feel great.I haven t felt this good sincegraduate school. There s something you haven t told me, though.I sensea secret of some sort. She took a bite out of her muffin andstudied Jackie.Jackie s jaw dropped. You are a mind reader.It s not fair. I can t read all minds, just yours.And your father s. I knew it.Yes, there s something else. Jackie didn t know how to start and into the long pause,Jellica said, You can tell me anything, you know. Well, remember Thanksgiving? I told you I spent theweekend mostly with Lee Beck? Her mother nodded and her face stilled almost as though shecould sense what was coming. Something happened. Jackie closed her eyes for a moment. Not much of something happened, but enough.Enough for meto figure out that I d rather be with women. She looked into hermother s perfectly still face and held her breath. Are you sure, cherie? Jackie could feel the intensity of hermother s stare. Do you feel like you have a choice? Jackie bit her lower lip, then sighed. Oh, I don t know.Ofcourse I have a choice.Of course I can choose not to act on myurges.But I have no control over the urges themselves.The wayI feel when I think about her.I didn t choose to want a womanlike I do. She pressed her palms to her eyes for a moment, thenlooked back at her mother. I didn t choose this.But I can choosehow to respond to it. And how will you? I.I want to taste the forbidden fruit. She smiled ruefully,realizing she sounded Victorian. I think I ll probably make it asteady diet. Her mother sighed somewhat sadly. And I take it you repretty sure it won t give you hives? A smile lurked at the edgeof her mouth.95 Jackie started to respond, caught her breath, found her cheeksgrowing warm at the mere memory.Her mother said, Don t tell me, it s written all over you.Itwas fabulous. I think it would be if I actually did anything. Jackie laughedwryly. If not Leah, then somebody else a woman.That s thepoint.That women will be in my life from now on.I told youI went out for Christmas dinner and I let you think it was withParker, I m sorry about that.I didn t mean to lie.I just wanted tosee you face-to-face. I understand, don t worry about it. I did go out.To a dinner party for lesbians.We had a lot offun and I made some friends. And what about Lee Beck? I ll probably never see her again, Jackie said. I was scared.And she s still grieving for her lover. Her mother nodded. Oh, that s right.I d forgotten she d losther girlfriend, well more than a friend, obviously.Lover, agent,business manager.She never made an issue of her sexuality.Mostpeople forget, I think. So anyway, she said I wasn t ready. Were you? Jackie gave her mother a sheepish look. Mom, I was ready.I m still ready.I ve never been so ready. Her mother smiled fondly.The sun came out in her eyesagain. Darling, I won t lie and say this isn t a shock.It is.Yourfather will have to get used to the idea, but of course, there s noquestion I love you, your father loves you.And I m glad to seeyou alive and awake and aware of what you re choosing.Even ifyou never see her again, you ve still woken up.I knew somethingwas missing for you, dear. Jellica s voice broke. I didn t knowhow to help you find it.And I so much wanted you to find it. Damn, Jackie said. I m going to cry. She blotted her eyeswith the table napkin.Her mother cleared her throat and said, I remember when Ifell in love for the first time, I felt just like you do.I didn t have a96 choice about how I felt.I loved who I loved.And it was the mosttorrid, shameless affair I d ever had. What happened? Jackie dabbed one last time andconcentrated on her mother.Her mother grinned and leaned forward confidentially. Well, my friends told me he d be the ruin of me, he d squashevery artistic impulse I ever had and lead me into a life of pureboredom.And his friends were telling him I d be the ruin of him,get him labeled a radical, ruin his chances for promotion. Sheshook her head sadly. In the end. What? What happened? Jackie heard the scoop on thispart of her mother s life. Well.What could I do? Like you said, I might not havechosen to feel like I did, but whether I acted on those feelingswas really up to me.So I married him. Jackie flopped back in her chair. You re talking about Daddy, she said, wrinkling up her nose. No fair.Everyone knows youhave the perfect marriage. It would be a mistake for you to assume it has always beenperfect.Or that perfect is easy.It took work, believe me.My workis fortunately portable, so I could go with him wherever he went. She leaned forward to pat Jackie s hand. But what a remarkablework of art we produced. Jackie blushed and tears swam in her eyes again. Thanks. I hope you find happiness, dear.It s always been my wish foryou. She leaned back and waved one hand airily. And Parkerwas not going to make you happy. Not for the first time Jackiewished for her mother s gift of conveying worlds of meaning witha casual gesture
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