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.Never buy writers who come out in black cloth.Too wordy," he continued to advise.He held up the book and grinned at Paul."Very wordy, going by the weight of it." Which was when the wrapping fell off the side and Gray saw the front cover."Oh, my God.""Very.Am I right?" Paul bumped shoulders with him."Let me see if I remember correctly—'wordy, lacking somewhat in style though not in originality; a solid hypothesis'.Isn't that what the committee said about it?" He grinned and tapped the cover with his fingers.Gray nodded, stunned."Um, yeah.And the second to last chapter was refreshingly concise and insightful." He ran his hand over the cover, wanting to trace his name with his finger."Jesus fuck, Paul.I can't believe you did this." It was beautiful.It was perfect.It was."How? There's only two left, and I didn't think they'd give them up." He dragged his eyes off his thesis and looked at Paul, vaguely aware that he was clutching the book to his chest."It's just a copy, best I could do." Paul rested a hand on Gray's knee."I took the opportunity to actually read the second to last chapter this time because I never could finish it back then." He grinned and leaned in to kiss Gray lightly.Gray blinked quickly, trying not to cry.It was stupid, getting worked up over a book like this, but it was his thesis.His work.And he thought he'd seen the last of it after the sprinkler system flooded his office."Thank you, Paul," he whispered, brushing his mouth over Paul's again."Thank you so much." Ah damn.Blinking didn't always work, and now he was trying to catch his breath before he had to sob.He held onto his book a little tighter."So, did you like the chapter?" he managed to say, his voice cracking only a little."Well, I'm not sure where they got concise from." Paul pressed his palm into Gray's cheek."Baby," Paul said softly, then curled his other arm around Gray and tugged Gray close.Gray must not have been hiding his emotions very well because Paul seemed very aware that he was on the verge of tears."You downplayed it on the phone, but I knew you were upset about losing it.I remember all those awful hours you worked on it, I know how proud of it you were.""Oh, God," Gray moaned, and then he gave into it because he couldn't fight it, not anymore, not with Paul holding him.Not with his thesis in his hand, bound and with silver letters.He shook, he knew he was sniffling like a kid, but he couldn't help it as the tears leaked out and wet Paul's shirt."Thank you," he whispered between one gasp and the next.Paul sat quietly and let Gray be for a while, eventually taking a deep breath and exhaling heavily.He swallowed hard and cleared his throat, and although Gray wasn't looking at Paul, he was pretty sure Paul was a bit choked up himself.Paul leaned over awkwardly and picked up his beer, taking a long swig.After another deep breath Paul managed, "I love you," and the rough edge to his voice confirmed Gray's suspicions."You always did," Gray said softly, still pressed against Paul."Back then, when I was working on this.you loved me then."Paul shifted, gently nudging Gray off his shoulder."That hardly matters anymore, baby," he said softly, and took another sip of his beer."Of course it matters," Gray countered.He sat up, still hugging his book, and twisted on the couch so he could face Paul."It matters to me, Paul." He wiped at his damp eyes with one hand, wishing he had a third to hold onto a beer bottle."I love you, you know? So much, baby.And I'm so fucking sorry I hurt you.""I wasn't hurt.That was what guys did, right? It was what I expected." Paul was sitting with his back into the couch and wasn't looking at Gray, but instead at his near-empty beer bottle.Gray sighed."Honestly, it's what I had to give at the time.All I'm saying is, I didn't know, and I'm sorry.And I guess I'm saying I get why this past year or so has been so hard." Carefully, he set the thesis on the coffee table and sat back.Gray wanted to hold Paul, wanted to touch him, but the air was thick with 'back off' vibes."I wish I had known, though," Gray admitted."I might have grown up a bit faster, certainly would have treated you better."Paul shook his head and snorted."Right." He leaned forward, pushing himself up off the couch."What's for dinner tonight? Are we going out, or did you want to cook maybe?""Paul, sit," Gray snapped."Now.Please.I want to talk about this."Paul turned hot eyes on Gray."Why?"Gray did not roll his eyes.It cost him about a million calories in sheer force of will, but he didn't do it."Because it's important.You are important.The past year is important.""I agree.This past year has been very important.We got a new start, right? Can't we just leave it at that?" Paul set his beer down and went for the whiskey."Why won't you talk about this?" Gray asked carefully."And pour me one, too, will you? If it's all done and over in your head, how come you can't talk to me about it?"Paul poured two glasses and slid one to Gray before picking his up and swallowing it back in one gulp.Gray had noticed that was how Paul started any serious evening of drinking—heavy on the first dose.Paul poured himself another glass before joining Gray again on the couch.He sat heavily and looked Gray squarely in the eyes."What is it you want to know, Gray? Are you going to ask me why I didn't stop you? Because my answer to that question is why didn't you ever look back? Okay?"Ow.That cut deep with its truth, but Gray took it and nodded."I see that.I do.And like I said, I gave you what I had, back then.Which is why I'm sorry, baby.You were hurting and I didn't even see that, and it kills me.I mean.Fuck." He threw back his own drink and reached for the bottle."I said I wasn't hurt."Gray ignored that."I thought we were having a great time, you know? We worked, it was fun.And it's not that I didn't care about you, 'cause I did.I just.I wasn't capable of more.If I'd have known, if you'd have talked to me." He looked at his glass and poured carefully."I don't know.I'm just really sorry.And I'm sorry I've been such a prick, I just didn't get why you were being so.stubborn." He swallowed from his glass again, almost choking.Nasty stuff, whiskey
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