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.Kidding: I didn t say Fangs Over America | 43that.I really wanted to let those words out, but I kept the thought tomyself at great personal effort.Exploring all of the man s hiddenpiercings would be great fun.I think that kind of scrutiny would beexpected of a vampire king.What I said was this: No, that s good for today. I can sure come up with phrases to make an impression.Right?Just call me the royal wordsmith.At least I avoided a sexualharassment lawsuit my first month in office. Thank you, Your Majesty, François said with a small bow. I ll catch up with you in an hour or so, Lonny said, and withthat mysterious sentiment, Fran was gone. I hear you threw your shoulder out, I said to Lonny. Hurt like all get-out.It was that damned.50 caliber. It doesn t kick, I said with a puzzled look. Yeah, tell that to my shoulder, Lonny said. Oberon told methat I was just holding it wrong. That may be. He has me downsized to one of your kiddie rifles, Lonny saidwith a grin. .30 caliber. Nine piercings? I said to Ronny.Donny? I mean Lonny.What smy husband s name? Distracted.To say that François had made animpression on me would have been the understatement of the century.Because I m over a hundred years old, I d know about things likemaking an impression. Yup, four in the ear, two nipples, guiche, and two frenums. Ouch, I said. When did you get to be such an expert onFrançois s piercings? Yesterday. Lonny grinned as he rubbed his butt gently.I didn t know what a guiche or frenum might be.My head wasracing to get around the possibilities. What happens in an hour? I asked. Boy-toy stuff, Lonny said with a sly grin. Want to join in?Fran is a total top, so it works for you. My husband, Lonny, was sleeping with the bean counter, and hewas inviting me to participate.Okay, I did not see that coming.OMG.I mean, you know, like& OMG! (fanning myself) 44 | Wynn Wagner COPIES of your letter to vampire leaders went out, as you know, Hamlet said. We used couriers to hand-carry the letter to each.Costthe king an absolute fortune, but it was a nice gesture. The king will show you a gesture, if he catches you, I said. He s delusional if the king thinks he can catch me, he said. He s as slow as a frozen snail in Norway. I had the emergency number to the Obscurati, I said as I stuckmy hand into each pocket. The number is somewhere. Your number is up, he said. And don t worry about the cost.We will deduct it from yourpay. You don t pay me. Like I said, I went on without missing a beat, we ll deduct itfrom your butt. Very good, your royal menacing-ship, Hamlet said. Wealready have responses from several.Do you want me to leave you thereport or just tell you about it? Tell me. La-dee-fucking-da, he said. Get a little power and he wantsbedtime stories. Whatever. I laughed and tried to do this triple finger-snap in theform of a big Z.It s sort of Hamlet s trademark, but it went badly forme.You couldn t hear any snapping sounds, and I almost broke myfinger.Hamlet stared at me.It was a condescending stare.Maybe I mnot as zany as Hamlet.I started to try it again. Don t, he said, grabbing my wrist. Leave that to theprofessionals. Fangs Over America | 45 The report? Germany is fine, saying pleasant things about Lechmont Manorand your hops production.I think the Germans are proud that a Germanresident is monarch.The Austrians are playing like German wannabevampires and mention that the farm is close enough to their border thatthey consider us neighbors. Awww, that s so& wait& are the Austrians wannabe Germansor wannabe vampires? Yes. Thanks. Holland sends their best wishes, he continued. Sweden andGreenland gush with pride because of your heritage.It s like noScandinavian ever did anything before. We have vampires in Greenland? Are they nuts? Hamlet shrugged and flitted his eyelids. Key West is excited. That s good, I said. Wait a minute! Key West isn t a country.If it were, it s still not in Europe. Maybe they want to secede. Hamlet laughed. Can you imagineKey West wanting to join Europe? I m still trying to imagine the whole island excited
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