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.That s the kind of listening found in families that experience real commu-25nication.Answers to the routine question, How was your day? are heard withthe eyes and heart as well as the ears.Nuances are picked up and questions areasked, although problems are not necessarily solved.Members of a family whoreally listen to one another instinctively know that if people listen to you, they areinterested in you.And that s enough for most of us.The Family Recognizes Unspoken MessagesMuch of our communication especially our communication of feelings is non-26verbal.Dr.Lewis defi nes empathy as someone responding to you in such a way that youfeel deeply understood. He says, There is probably no more important dimension in allof human relationships than the capacity for empathy.And healthy families teachempathy. Their members are allowed to be mad, glad, and sad.There s no crime in beingin a bad mood, nor is there betrayal in being happy while someone else is feeling moody.The family recognizes that bad days and good days attack everyone at different times. Copyright © 2008 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.All rights reserved.Nonverbal expressions of love, too, are the best way to show children that 27 parents love each other.A spouse reaching for the other s hand, a wink, a squeeze on the shoulder, a How s-your-back-this-morning? a meaningful glance across the room all these tell children how theirparents feel about each other.The most destructive nonverbal communication in marriage is silence.Silence 28 can mean lack ofinterest, hostility, denigration, boredom, or outright war.On the part of a teen or preteen, silence usuallyindicates pain, sometimes very deep pain.The sad irony discovered by so many family therapists is thatparents who seek professional help when a teenager becomes silent have often denied the child any otherway of communicating.And although they won t permit their children to become angry or to revealdoubts or to share depression, they do worry about the withdrawal that results.Rarely do they see anyconnection between the two.Healthy families use signs, symbols, body language, smiles, and other gestures 29 to express caringand love.They deal with silence and withdrawal in a positive, open way.Communication doesn t meanjust talking or listening; it includes all the clues to a person s feelings his bearing, her expression, theirresignation.Family members don t have to say, I m hurting, or, I m in need. A quick glance tellsthat.And they have developed ways of responding that indicate caring and love, whether or not there s animmediate solution to the pain.The Family Encourages Individual Feelings andIndependent ThinkingClose families encourage the emergence of individual personalities through open 30 sharing of thoughtsand feelings.Unhealthy families tend to be less open, less accepting of differences among members.Thefamily must be Republican, or Bronco supporters, or gun-control advocates, and woe to the individualwho says, Yes, but.Instead of finding differing opinions threatening, the healthy family fi nds them 31 exhilarating.It isexciting to witness such a family discussing politics, sports, or the world.Members freely say, I don tagree with you, without risking ridicule or rebuke.They say, I think it s wrong. immediately afterDad says, I think it s right. ; and dad listens and responds.Give-and-take gives children practice in articulating their thoughts at home 32 so that eventuallythey ll feel confident outside the home.What may seem to be verbal rambling by preteens during a familyconversation is a prelude to sorting out their thinking and putting words to their thoughts.Rigid families don t understand the dynamics of give-and-take.Some label it 33 disrespectful andargumentative; others find it confusing.Dr.John Meeks, medical director of the Psychiatric Institute ofMontgomery County, Maryland, claims that argument is a way of life with normally developingadolescents. In early adolescence they ll argue with parents about anything at all; as they grow older, thequantity of argument decreases but the quality increases. According to Dr.Meeks, arguing is somethingadolescents need to do.If the argument doesn t become too bitter, they have a good chance to test theirown beliefs and feelings. Incidentally, says Meeks, parents can expect to lose most of thesearguments, because adolescents are not fettered by logic or even reality. Nor are they likely to be polite.Learning how to disagree respectfully is a difficult task, but good families work at it.Encouraging individual feelings and thoughts, of course, in no way presumes 34that parents permit their children to do whatever they want.There s a great difference between permitting a son to express an opinion on marijuana and allowinghim to use it.That his opinion conflicts with his parents opinion is OK as long ashis parents make sure he knows their thinking on the subject.Whether he admits itor not, he s likely at least to consider their ideas if he respects them.Permitting teenagers to sort out their feelings and thoughts in open discussions 35at home gives them valuable experience in dealing with a bewildering array of situations they may encounter when they leave home.Cutting off discussion ofbehavior unacceptable to us, on the other hand, makes our young people feel guiltyfor even thinking about values contrary to ours and ends up making those valuesmore attractive to them.The Family Recognizes Turn-Off Words and Put-Down PhrasesSome families deliberately use hurtful language in their daily communication.36 Whatdid you do all day around here? can be a red flag to a woman who has spent her day onhousehold tasks that don t show unless they re not done. If only we had enough moneycan be a rebuke to a husband who is working as hard as he can to provide for the family. Flunk any tests today, John? only discourages a child who may be having trouble inschool.Close families seem to recognize that a comment made in jest can be insult-37ing.A father in one of my groups confided that he could tease his wife abouteverything but her skiing. I don t know why she s so sensitive about that, but Iback off on it.I can say anything I want to about her cooking, her appearance, hermothering whatever.But not her skiing.One of my favorite exercises with families is to ask them to reflect upon phrases 38they most like to hear and those they least like to hear
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