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.As his widow and aformer opera star, however, many of thosedoors are now closed to me.It doesn t matter.I have a few good friends;I am no longer burdened with an absent hus-band who thinks I betrayed him; and in just afew more weeks, I shall have a baby.The only negative aspect to having this babyis that (again, forgive me for sharing such per-sonal details with you, dear Erik you know Iwould never dare to, if you were still alive) itpresses on my lungs and diaphragm, and I find~ 75 ~ - An Wallace -it hard to take a good, deep breath.I have goneon singing as much as I can, but it is difficult tohold a note for long when there is no space leftinside for my lungs to fill! My breath supportis, alas, a thing of the past.Well, after it is born, I shall have my lungsback to myself again, and I look forward to be-ing able to sing to my child.I wish I could still sing for you, my dearest.ChristineChristine blew on the ink in a contemplativemanner.She had received the news of Raoul sdeath, and his letter, more than a week ago andshe still didn t know how to feel about it.Shemissed Raoul in an abstract way; but the thingwas, he had already become absent for the lastyear they d lived in Sweden.Physically presentin the house, but very distant from her.Hisleaving for the navy did not affect her much atall, except in facilitating her move back toParis and she was so much happier here thatRaoul s physical absence hardly signified.She still burned inwardly, though, over hisassumption of her infidelity. Foolish, foolishman, she muttered to herself as she folded and~ 76 ~ - Letters to Erik -stored her latest letter to Erik. Thinking thosesorts of things about me, when the only otherman I loved is long dead. # # #Dear Erik,It is with great pleasure I inform you that Ihave been delivered of a son.The labor wasdreadfully painful, but nothing like it was lasttime.And joy of joys, the baby is quite well!The midwife (Heaven bless Sorelli for sendingher to work for me!) examined him most thor-oughly, and she tells me the boy is fine andhealthy.I was worried, because of little Phil-ippe, but this baby has no problem swallowingor eating.The problem is getting him to stop!He has blue eyes of course most babieshave blue eyes when they re born, I m toldbut his hair is darker than Philippe s was.Darker than mine or Raoul s, and more like mymother s.Wouldn t it be lovely if he turned outdark-haired? It could happen; Philippe deChagny had much darker hair than Raoul s,which means it runs in both our families.And this should please you, my dearest: Ihave named him after you.~ 77 ~ - An Wallace -I hope you re not offended that I havegiven a Chagny baby your name, but if youare then you can just assume along with eve-ryone else that I chose Erik because it isScandinavian.But really, little Erik-Daa deChagny is named after you.That shall have tobe our secret, though I am quite sure notmany people ever knew that le fantme del opra even had a name, much less knewwhat it was.Raoul s two sisters came to visit shortly af-ter my baby was born.It was the first time Ihad seen them since their brief visit to us inSweden just after Raoul and I were married.They were frostily polite to him and barelycivil to me during the ten minutes or so thatwe were in the same room.It wasn t until af-ter I left that the shouting began!This time, though, they called and stayedalmost a half an hour! Martine seemed tohave thawed the slightest bit, but Clmencewas still just as cool as ever.They did coovery gratifyingly over Erik-Daa, even thoughthey didn t approve of his name.It seems theyhad an Uncle Erik whom they did not like,and as for Daa well, why would they behappy about the newborn Comte de Chagny~ 78 ~ - Letters to Erik -being named after a Swedish peasant (even ifhe was the greatest violinist in the world, saveyou)?It was a much nicer visit than last time, butI was still glad to see them go.I shall never fitin with the Chagny family, and don t want to.I have been in Paris for a year now, andstill have never ventured into the cellars be-neath the opera.Every time I visit there I amtempted to go, but do not dare.If I stay above,then I can still pretend that you re down theresomewhere, and the thought comforts andwarms me.If I were to dare to go alone Iknow the sight of your empty, dusty housewould just hammer home the fact that I shallnever see you alive, and it would be like los-ing you all over again.And part of it is simply a practical matter,too: if I were to slip and fall, and hurt myselfthree cellars down, it would be months andmonths before I was found! Your legend liveson: I hear the little ballet girls whisperingabout the opera ghost every time someone falls,or loses her glove.The scene-shifters are stillafraid to go into the cellars by themselves, evenyears after your death! They go in stealthypairs, whispering to each other with wide eyes,~ 79 ~ - An Wallace -and jumping every time they hear a noise.I findit most amusing
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