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.Menare not the only ones who give themselves away when 144 Why Men Are So Cautious About Commitmentthey marry.Many women lose their spirit, their fire.Theyworry about losing their husband and often changethemselves to ensure a successful marriage.Many womenhave a predetermined idea of what a wife is and unknowinglyslip into a different persona when they become one. Think back to when you were single.Are you differentnow? Are you as happy, free-spirited, and enthusiastic now?If you ve given away part of who you are, Feminine Gracecan help you recapture the glorious woman you once were. Diedra, I m inspired. Beth beamed. I m lovingbeing a woman more than I thought I could.Thank you. " " "4 things you can do if you re married:Let your husband know how much you appreciate theway he works to take care of you and your children.Evenif he isn t a gift giver, make a list of ten things he does thatare ongoing gifts to you and your children.Explain to himwhat you ve learned about the inequity of his having towork, while you get to choose to work, and create a planwhereby you both feel even more like partners.If you ve ever complained about his long hours or thathe doesn t give you gifts, apologize and explain to himwhat you ve been learning, that you understand howwonderful his contribution is.Explain to him how itmakes you feel when he s away and what receivingthoughtful gifts means to you.Have a talk with him about his choice of work.Find out ifhe s following his heart s dream.This is such a foreign ideafor most men that you may not be able to get him to evenlook at that part of himself.Be gentle and use the listeningskills you ve been practicing.If it turns out that he d be 145 Men Made Easyhappier doing something else, talk about how you couldmake that happen.It may mean that you have to live in asmaller house and have less disposable income, but sinceyou now know what his work means to him, wouldn t yourather your husband was happy in his work? There areserious considerations that go along with this discussion, sobe prepared.The discussion that should go hand-in-hand with this isto look at what you re doing to fulfill your heart s dream.It could be a different kind of work, or it might bepursuing some creative outlet.Create a comfortablesetting and enjoy what could be a heart-warming talk.4 things you can do if you re single:Write down your thoughts about how you see men assuccess objects.Make a list of six ways those thoughtsinterfere with your successful interaction with men.If you re talking about marriage, have a discussionabout the work inequity, and talk about how you can bebetter partners in your financial well-being, especially ifyou re going to have children together.Have a heart-to-heart discussion about doing the kind ofwork that fits both of your dreams.Be clear why you veeach chosen the work you do.You don t have to followyour heart s dream but when you re clear why you chooseto do otherwise, you have more power and will be lesslikely to resent the work.Remember, power is how muchcontrol you have over your life.If you re just beginning to date, allow him to pay andgive him lots of appreciation and even tell him that hisgenerosity makes you feel womanly.See his paying as aconstant gift to you.To pay him back, prepare him nicemeals occasionally.He ll appreciate your thoughtfulness. 146 [ Back to Contents ]Chapter ElevenWhy men need concise communication.Secret #11To be heard, you must speak his language.Diedra was beaming.The women had just shared thechanges that were coming over the men in their lives, howtheir love was blossoming once again, and, most important,what had been happening within each of them. Great news, you three! Didn t I promise you magic? The Settling is a thing of the past, Carol exclaimed, and what you ve taught us has definitely created magicfor Thomas and me.Beth and Jenny and I have beensharing with other women how the Twelve Simple Secretshave changed our lives.We ve shown them by examplethat they don t have to settle for ordinary and how easy itis to make significant changes in their relationships. Thank you, said Diedra. Several have contactedme.I just wish all women could know the Secrets. Beth spoke next. What I m finding is how wonderfulit feels to be so conscious of the gifts of being a woman.Ifeel like a big part of me was asleep before.I can see how 147 Men Made Easydisempowering the Settling can be. I m happy for you, Beth. Diedra smiled. You vediscovered the real secret of being happy: liking who youare and expressing your uniqueness. We have only one more lesson after this.You ve beenincorporating the Secrets into your lives and you ve seenthe results.Next week we re going to talk about intuitionand how to use it to get even better results, but right nowwe re going to focus on communication.Even thoughwe ve already talked about it, I want to fill in any gaps soyou can be heard and understood by the men in your livesand get more of what you want. Men and women are quite different in the way theyspeak as well as the way they listen.Let s begin with theSecret for this lesson. Secret #11To be heard, you must speak his language. First we ll talk about how differently men and womencommunicate.For women, feelings and words are totallyinterconnected.When we feel an emotion, we want toexpress it with words.We experience great pleasure andcomfort when we discuss what we re feeling, as well aswhy, so we seek opportunities to do so.We ve learnedhow bonding it can be when we share what s going oninside us. As we ve already discussed, most men have limitedaccess to their feelings, and when they do get emotional,they generally want to be alone.Then, after they ve madesense of it if they make sense of it they might tellsomeone about it, but usually they ll keep it to themselves.Often, even the wife is unaware when her husband is going 148 Why Men Need Concise Communicationthrough an emotional experience; she only notices that he smore quiet and distant than usual.More often than not, he llshove his feelings aside by involving himself in someactivity and not acknowledging them at all.When you usethe Secrets in your relationship, as you ve already noticed,the trust level rises, allowing your partner to feel safer, andmore likely to express his inner thoughts and turmoils.Ofcourse it s not going to happen with all men, but it seems tobe working that way with your partners. Men are often uncomfortable when feelings are beingexpressed by anyone.They don t understand them andthey can t relate, so they feel somewhat helpless becausethey don t know what to do to solve what they perceive as aproblem.When you need to express your emotions to yourhusband, try to give him a more logical explanation than youmight otherwise.Tell him what you re feeling and whetheror not you need help in solving your problem.He ll berelieved to know what to do and he ll be more supportive
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